I haven’t posted anything on this blog since August. There is a reason for this, and it doesn’t give me any pleasure to reveal it to you.  The fact is, I have renounced my greatest right as an American citizen, and allowed overwhelming fear to guide my daily battle to post, or simply shrug and walk away from the keyboard.

I am by nature, not a fearful person. In fact, most who know me would say that I tend to wear my emotions on my sleeve, and say what I want, without worrying about offending those who may disagree with me. But, the instant that the two party nominees were announced and crowned, I could feel an overwhelming, soul-crushing sense of dread begin to wash through me, that has built over the months, into a rushing torrent of self-hatred for my own lack of personal integrity. And it has finally come to this…a last, desperate attempt for absolution, for what I am about to do on Election Day.

What this election has done to the entire country, is to turn us all into one of two things, apologists, or bona fide, card-carrying morons.  The moron part is easy. They are the stanch, solid, “I’m with Her/Him” types who have chosen their candidates based completely upon party dictate, or the affirmation of their own racist, gynophobic/phalliphobic, religious, gun-nut, 1% control, biases.

Yes. I know that is a mouthful…and it actually does prove that it only takes one issue to create an irrational, yet virulently dangerous opinion. But, the number of hardcore “Our team or no team” voters from both parties create the “core” of any election.  And in the strangest twist of reality ever, I almost forgive them (if not completely ignore them) for being such rigid, immovable rock walls in their beliefs. There is comfort in knowing that for every one of the BIG FOUR ISSUES (Gun-rights, Abortion, Gay Marriage, and a rotating wild card of Immigration or Jobs Creation) which come to the top of the heap every four years to help divide the room quickly, there is a parity of vote-cancellation that makes the “middle ground” the last bastion of common sense.

The fact is, talking to anyone who has rigid opinion about the Big Four, is about as futile as convincing a Red Sox fan to root for the Yankees. Not going to happen. But, we ALL loved the World Series this year…right? So, there is hope for us yet.

It is the “Apologists” that have my soul twisted into knots this election cycle. It is those good, rational, intelligent people from both sides of the aisle (oh…how I wish the aisle didn’t exist), who have decided to throw their own sense of morality, common sense, and dignity into a virtual void, to actively support one or the other of the two remaining candidates, after an almost two-years-long election cycle, that offered far better choices for both parties.

I have become a shell of my former self, as I wither every time I hear a sentence start with, “Well, at least they aren’t…” the first sign that I am going to hear something horrible and weak, and stupid about the other candidate, while doing their best to ignore the disgusting reality of their own “candidate by deferment.”

The list for why NEITHER of these candidates is worthy is so long, and so well known, that to even begin one for either candidate, would fill pages. And frankly, if the polls are any indication, nobody wants to be reminded of the foibles, because it makes them feel bad about their choice.

But, in a short summary of why I am unable to support either of these horrendous assclowns, let’s hit just the high/low points.

Trump. What really needs to be said at this point? He is vile. He is a sociopath of the highest order, who represents the very worst of America at every level. He is a hypocrite in business, so consumed in his own hubris, that he has no problem breaking rules (yes…there will be further investigations into his Non-Profit Corp. business dealing and taxes), ignoring any sense of civility, and dodging his unbelievable record as a misogynistic pig, with a sense of self-entitlement that would make him one of the worst human beings to hold the office of President (and that says a lot when you look at our entire history).  He has proven that he lacks even a modicum of self-control, and has a social media habit that is both dangerous, as well as bordering on clinically habitual, which may require a 24-step program to overcome (12 steps would never be enough for the Donald).  He will do and say anything to get elected…and those who think he supports their views on the “Big 4” need to realize that everything to him is a “deal,” and deals are made to be broken or renegotiated. He is without guile. Never apologizes…and has no real sense of morality.  There is literally not one redeeming characteristic he exudes, which would ever make him anything more than what he is in real life…a BAD reality show character who believes his own “Trumped Up” script.

Hillary.  Her one, true, most damaging Achilles Heel, is her continued relationship with Bill Clinton. Period.  This fact is inescapable.  I have absolutely no doubt in my mind, that she and Bill have worked in concert together, after some horrendous “deal with the Devil” in 1996 (when she should have kicked this horrible human being to the curb and moved on with her own pride, record, and work ethic intact), to drive with unbridled determination to stand at this place in history.  What I will grant Hillary, is that she has a life-long record of service to America…something that cannot be said about Trump, or her husband.  During Bill’s biggest periods of failure, it was Hillary that kept the family, and the “business” together, while Bill wallowed in self-pity, or was forced to defend himself innumerable times for his inability to keep his “crooked Bill” in his pants. But, as we have witnessed, hubris and some broken sense of “we are insiders who secretly run the ship” have come to the surface of the DNC underworld, and Hillary’s ignorance or blatant rule breaking (either of which is unforgivable) has become her undoing. The list of reasons I hate Bill Clinton are well documented. But, most of them actually have nothing to do with his peccadillos, and everything he had to do with creating the horrible reality that our country finds itself in today.  Deregulation of Corporate Banking, Deregulation of  Broadcasting, Deregulation of Campaign Finance Laws, Abject Capitulation with the Gingrich/Bush/Cheney/Rummy Neocons, just to name a few, that have come together to create a world where the wheels are coming off, and greed is rampant. It is patently ironic to me that Hillary campaigns on a platform of social reform, when her husband was responsible for the very things that have handed the keys to the shop to the 1% while the middle and lower class has paid the price. “Clinton Inc.” is but a snowball on the iceberg that the Clintons hide beneath the murky surface that threatens to sink our standing and respect in the world.

So…where does that leave me on Tuesday?

I am going to start the long, difficult process of recapturing my self-respect as an American. I am going to cast a vote for the only person that could have, and yes, perhaps should have, been on the ballot this election.

No. Sorry, Bernie. It isn’t going to be you. I fought hard for you, and know in my heart of hearts, that you would have been a far better choice for President than Hillary…and would have made Donald squirm with exposure to someone who believes in the rule of law, and truly fights against everything the Donald represents. But, you gave up.  You buckled under the “DNC/Hillary” machine, even after untold facts were exposed, making clear that the primaries were indeed “rigged.”  Yes. Donald is correct about that.  From super-delegates, to unabated insider maneuvers by the DNC administration, to feeding debate questions, to campaign funding, the primary “win” for Hillary was in the bag, before it started. But, when this all came out, Bernie should have stepped away…and stopped making excuses and “Well at least she’s not” speeches. Bernie took me down with him. Watching him being cuckholded by the party and the HRC machine stepped on parts of my soul that left me feeling “less than” in the process.

No. I am going the way of a “Pre-2016” Cubs fan. I am going to vote for who would have been elected with almost no real opposition, had circumstances and his own dedication to family (and the HRC/DNC juggernaut) not got in the way. Joe Biden.

Like a Cubs fan who “kept hope alive” for more than 100 years, I want to believe in the America that COULD be…not the America that is. Biden, with all of his “loose cannon” sound bites, and humanistic, gut-wrenching honesty, would have made mincemeat out of an assclown like Donald. Had he actually run, Hillary would finally have gotten the message that her decisions in life DO have ramifications. Joe Biden has the experience, the record of service, and the humanism to make a great leader, when the world needs someone who is both tough, and compassionate…honest and yet able to use commons sense to reach across the aisles when needed.

Yes. I am “throwing away my vote.”  But, I am making a statement that will allow me to sleep at night, knowing that I have truly used my greatest right as an American, to express my truest beliefs.

If you are inclined to disagree with me… go ahead. I’ll shred you with facts.

But, most important, BECAUSE both parties have allowed two individuals, with the highest disapproval ratings in modern history, to actually be elected to the highest office in the world, it doesn’t really matter who is elected on Tuesday. BOTH parties are in deep, deep trouble when it comes to actually being able to govern.

Want a fact about how divisive and completely gridlocked and incapable our Congress is?  It took FIVE MONTHS to pass basic funding to help eradicate the Zika Virus.  FIVE MONTHS. How many people were infected during that time? How many babies were tragically altered before their birth during these 5 months? And now, you are going to have a President (whomever is elected) that is going to enter their 4 years (because neither is likely to last two terms), riddled with legitimate investigations and potential indictments?  HOLYFREAKINSHIRT!!

What was the American Electorate doing during this 5 month period? Arguing about which Presidential Candidate was worse. Sheesh.

I apologize to my daughters…who all want me to “do the right thing to keep Trump out.”  I apologize to my friends who remind me that my vote in 2000 helped put Bush into power (yes…I voted for Nader…on the complete hope that we could FINALLY get Federal Funding for a 3^rd party…because I detest the two-party system).  And, I even apologize to Bernie, for not doing enough to get WIKILeaks to bring out the all of the damning evidence about the DNC/HRC machine when it mattered. (I say that last part in jest…because my Mom thinks I have that much power with the Interweb and Google).

But, I don’t apologize for casting my vote for a candidate who represents what I WISH the world could be.

Staying silent has almost killed me. But, my vote, and yes…even this post…is my first real attempt to start living again, knowing that a “post-election world” is going to take every bit of courage and fortitude I can muster.

I’m proud to be an American. I only wish we would have had a chance for a “Joe Biden Presidency.”